{please do not read this if you are easily scared... it's just my way of getting things off my mind, but that doesn't mean you need to read it.}

if i could describe my dreams, i would do it in one word... bad. i do not have good dreams. even if they aren't about horrible things, they are twisted and eerie and cause me to wake up with the fear that a single second longer spent in my dream-world might cause permanent damage. i wake to find clint by my side, thankful that i can cling to his arm and rest my head on his shoulder, confident that this will end the nightmares.

i did a little image search for pictures of nightmares in search of a few that could describe mine... here is what i came up with:

here's what happened this morning:

dropped clint off at the airport this morning at 6 am. the upstairs tenants were quiet as i slipped back into my bed to sleep a little more, fully intending to get up an hour later in time for church. that's when the crazy nightmares started:

nightmare #1: i was walking along freedom blvd. very late at night. i was in jogging clothes, probably finishing up one of those midnight runs that clint won't (and thankfully so) let me do. i was approaching the darkened backside of a store where a man was leaning nonchalantly against the wall. as i got closer, his attention didn't seemed to move from his fingernails, which he seemed to be picking at intently. i passed by him only to hear him start to breath more heavily, and i could feel his eyes on the back of my head. I turned in time to see him lunge after me, anger mixed with a darker expression marked his bearded face. i ran. i ran up and down the dark streets of provo. i would approach people in a sprint, but i couldn't scream, couldn't tell them what was happening. i knew if i stopped i would die. i ran all the way to macey's, which was still lighted inside and employees' cars littered the parking lot. but the closer i got the more desolate the parking lot became. the lights from the grocery store slowly faded to darkness. but the doors were open. i ran inside, hoping to lose myself in one of the many aisles. but the bearded, sweaty man was close behind. he could hear every footstep. after a few futile attempts to hide myself, i made a run for the outside world. i made it. but i could still hear him breathing behind me. as i sprinted out of the doors and onto the little winding street behind the store, it began to rain. there was a group of strong-looking male runners jogging along the road. i'm safe. but as i tried to get the men to understand what was happening, to hide me in their midst, they just looked at me blankly, jogging, jogging jogging. all that muscle was wasted as one by one they disappeared. i began to grow tired and as my running slowed, i looked down at myself. i was no longer wearing my joggin apparel, but cowgirl boots, a pink, flowery baby-doll top, and i had long, flowing brown hair. i was no longer me and i became the on-looker instead of the pursued. i watched the man catch up to the knew girl. he grabbed her beautiful long hair and pulled her to the groung. he grabbed her ankle and pulled her along the muddy ground to a dimly lighted house on the side of the road. all the while he talked to her, telling her of his experience chasing girls just like her. telling her she would be afraid now but she would thank him for catching her later. but she knew she wouldn't thanks him. i knew she was going to die. i saw her later in the mud and i looked up at her from inside the earth. her face was my face. we were the same. i was dirty and wet and cold.

my alarm went off. i didn't get out of bed.

nightmare #2: maybe as punishment for my fear of things that don't exist and for my inexcusable laziness, i had a second bad dream. this one was a bit more comical but weird and disconcerting to me, nontheless. i dreamed that after my alarm went off a second time i actually got out of bed. as i entered the little hall separating our room from the living area, i heard someone unlock the door and come down the stairs. i was about to run back into my room, when i saw one of our upstairs tenants enter the living room. so i approached her, asking her how she had a key and why she was there. she said she had seen clint leave and thought it would be okay to bring the other girls downstairs to hang out for a while. that was fine with me until they wouldn't let me in the bathroom and began to eat all of our food. i had my friend brittney come over. apparently all of her clothes had gotten lost on the drive to my house (with the exception of the ones she had on) and she asked the girls if she could borrow one of their shirts. one of the girls said she could, but she would have to pay her for the shirt. earlier that day the girls had raided my closet and were wearing all of my clothes, so the fact that they were charging my friend to borrow theirs really ticked me off. i told them it was time for them to leave. they weren't very happy but one by one they too disappeared, just like the jogging men in the first dream. brittney disappeared too. the little apartment grew darker and darker and i could hear breathing at the windows. i knew i was going to die.

an alarm i hadn't set went off. i reluctantly got up and started my day.

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